A Declaration

With the beginning of the new year, like everyone else, I have goals I wish to accomplish. I had some last year as well, and in comparison to other years I've got to say that I actually did quite well. Looking back on 2015 doesn't fill me full of dread and regret, so I'd say that's progress.

However, this year is going to be different. Now that I've graduated college and am in the Molecular Pathology Department I wanted to be in, it's time to start getting serious. I have a degree and a job and can begin living seriously as an adult. It's time to get out of my comfort zone and be proactive.

It's a bit embarrassing to say this, but I can now say that I'm probably the most at peace with myself than I have been for about 13 years. I had a negative exposure to bullying when I started seventh grade and my life just sort of tanked from there. It's not like I was in agony, because I still had a good life. It's just that internally I was all messed up. I had no self-confidence, became mentally bitter, developed trust and abandonment issues, stopped taking proper care of myself, self-injured (which I've overcome), hated myself, started slipping badly on my grades, etc. Basically, I wasn't myself anymore, and in the way that is all too common with those suffering from depression, I wanted to get back to who I was but didn't know how nor could I summon the energy I needed, which just further exacerbated the issue.

Thankfully though, I was blessed to be given people and opportunities that helped heal me: family who provided a safe haven; friends who oftentimes dragged me out of my comfort zone; counseling services generously provided by my university; and the constant companionship of God and His gospel.

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that no, there's nothing wrong with me. People really are cruel for no reason at all, be they strangers or people you've known and been close with your entire life. Which yes is a painfully obvious truth, but the nuances between knowing and believing are subtle and vast.

So now that I've spent years climbing out of the ditch I also spent years digging, I'm ready to move forward. And how shall I be celebrating this momentous turning point? By taking the initial knife that was (metaphorically) stabbed in my back and use it to carve the future I want. All those people who put me down and kept me from living half of my life the way I should have been--I'm going to make them work for ME now. I'm going to stop letting their voices cripple me and instead us it to push me forward.

I have three main goals I wish to accomplish this year, and part of my motivation will stem from proving those people wrong. I've played their game for too long and want no more part in it. I will succeed and thrive.

If I managed to get a degree despite being on Academic Probation every other semester, to get a career job before graduating, overcome a self-destructive behavior, and make wonderful friends despite a constant fear that they'd end up betraying me, then what can I accomplish with confidence, proper love, and respect for myself?

For starters, I'm going to get healthy and in shape. No, I'm not talking about trying to get my "summer body" or anything like that (though I'm not adverse to the idea). I'm talking about consistently working out and eating right and making it an integral part of my life. I'm a medical scientist, I know all about how exercise gives you nature's purest miracle drug. I will be happier, have more energy, live longer, and be more productive with no ill side effects.

Second, I'm going to get published. Most likely not this year, but it will happen eventually. This year is for research, for discussion, for getting that pesky first draft done! Writing stories is what I enjoy more than breathing. It's been my greatest wish since I was old enough to write to walk into a bookstore and see my book on the shelf. (Really, it is. I have a book I made when I was nine) When I didn't believe in myself, I didn't think I could ever publish a book even though I wanted it more than anything. But I'm the only one who can make it happen, so I'm not going to let anything stop me.

Third, I'm going to start an Etsy business. (It was a surprise to me as well!) Now, take note that I said "start" and not "succeed." It's not a lack of self-confidence so don't be concerned, just me being realistic. I'm not planning to fail, just okay with the fact that it may not pan out the way I'd like. Unlike my other two goals, this one isn't so much about the completion but more of the experience.

It's stepping out of my comfort zone. I've always been a writer and an athlete. I've played soccer, softball, ran distance, thrown shot put/discus/hammer, etc. Those skills have been a bit idle lately but all they need is some dusting off. Being in charge of my own business? Now that's entirely new.

Yes, I've always been crafty. What's interesting is that I'm a rather even blend of science and the arts. This means there are some hurdles in each "field" that I'm incapable of wrapping my head around, but I appreciate the ability to dabble in both in my own unique way. So yes, being crafty is nothing new, but the manner in which I plan to use this skill is an area I've never touched upon.

I'm going to have to learn new skills; some I have to level up in and some I've never considered. This includes marketing! Even before my introversion levels spiked I would have laughed at the thought of me doing anything like this. While I'm all for planning and executing events, this sort of thing is a continuous project. It's going to be like a second job. It will require me to put myself out there in a way my other goals won't. (Well okay, trying to get my book published will probably be rather similar, but that's not happening for a while)

This goal will be my way of putting myself back into the world after hiding from it for so long. If my business is modestly lucrative I certainly won't complain, but it's not the central focus.

With that said, I'm ready to make this a great year!

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Note: For the one or two people who actually read this blog (I realize this is mostly me shouting into a void but it's kind of like free therapy so who cares) you might have noticed I deleted the other 18 posts it took me six years to make. It's not like I'm ashamed of those posts, but they're no longer needed. I'm starting off the new year with a clean slate. Hopefully this time around I don't take four months to write one post.

Also, I've changed the title. "A Knight's Sojourn" is still fitting, but the new title serves a dual purpose. It's still fitting for my life, but in the off chance my crafting business goes anywhere, I can give a link here. Apparently it's good marketing strategy. Seems weird to me but as I said, it's not my area of expertise so who am I to argue?